Valentine’s Day: What “Love Language” Do We Say “I Love You”?
What a beautiful feeling it is to LOVE… To say that I LOVE YOU warmly from the heart…
Experiencing the JOURNEY OF LIFE as A hand in hand… Enjoying our journey with LOVE…
When we feel love; Steps taken to love run to the lover…
So what makes us feel love? Have you ever thought?
Let’s talk about this a little bit…
It is the meanings we attach to it that make us feel love. When we say the meaning attributed to love, our childhood should come to mind. Because we learned to make sense of words, situations, events and feelings in childhood. We encoded how we understand how we are loved, and how we say we love, into our thoughts and behaviors as children. Then we created our own “love language”. In general, I’ll call it “yourself”. My language is also “Filizce” and I will express it to you in Filizce…
Let’s go back to my childhood…
We create our love language in our nuclear family. By making inferences from the communication with our mother and father, we perceive love and try to show that we love it.
Did you feel that you were loved enough by your mother/father?
How did your mother/father show you their love?
After what behavior did your mom/dad say to you, “Because I love you.”?
In which defense is your mother/father said to you; “I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t love you.”?
Do you look like your mother or father when you show your love to your lover?
What effect does the love language established between you and them have on the way you show your love to your lover?
I suggest you think about them and write them down on a piece of paper. Your mother, father and lover column… How do I show them my love? How do I know that they love me? When we write these in detail, the situation will become clearer for us.
Being liked, respected, cared for, accepted, approved and loved are one of the most basic needs of a person. In order for us to continue a healthy relationship with our beloved, the most basic needs of a person must be mutually met from each other. In order for us to start out by considering our needs to be human, let’s first take a look at Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.
Let’s address our needs in situations where there is no crisis:
Let’s take our pyramid of needs in love:
1. Physiological Needs:
When we say physiological need, breathing, nutrition, sleep, sex, happiness, excretion are included in it.
1.1.Did you know that when we are under pressure, the brain experiences it as if it is physically unable to breathe? By putting pressure on your lover and interfering in his life, if we bring him to a state where he can no longer breathe, we will sabotage his most basic need as a human being. Therefore, the fact that couples respect each other’s spaces shows their love for each other.
1.2.To spend more time with our lover, sabotaging her/his sleep time at night is again an intervention to her/his basic needs. That’s why lovers need to respect and be understanding of each other’s bedtimes. Our sleep hormone is the balance factor for our quality of life.
In new parents, the problem of who will get up at night for the child is often experienced. When one of the spouses does not respect the other’s need for sleep, the flow will be interrupted on the other steps of the pyramid. Being solutionistic and fair will allow you to easily go through this difficult process. Remember that the primary need varies in times of crisis.
1.3.The need for sexuality. Lovers should respond positively to each other’s desires regarding sexuality. Sexuality is fundamental in relationships. Happy sexuality in marriage is the basis for ensuring the continuity of marriage. When there is no sexual intercourse in love or marriage, the status of partner, husband and wife changes shape and turns into a mother-son, father-daughter, military friend, friend, sibling relationship. Then, needs such as love, passion, being seen as a man, being desired as a woman begin to be met by someone else. At the root of cheating lies the problem of sexual intimacy. The person who rejects sexuality rejects intimacy with his partner. Unwantedness and rejection shake the relationship.
2. The need for Safety:
The safety of the environment in which we are with our lover
2.1. Job security (No worries about leaving work at any time, money earnings do not change.)
2.2. Family security (Acceptance in the family, non-resort to physical or psychological violence by family members, absence of verbal violence and humiliation.)
2.3.Body safety (Physical violence and physical integrity are not threatened.)
3. The Need for Love/Belonging:
If there is a problem in the 1st and 2nd step needs of our lover; there will be gaps in hearing, seeing and understanding me. Therefore, if there is a problem with the physiological or security needs in his field that prevents him from seeing this while showing our beloved that we love him, he may have difficulty reading my love.
Let’s think that the system works with pleasure, let’s say to our beloved I LOVE YOU.
Now, it is the time to show our love…
Let’s look at how we can make our lover feel our love and sense of belonging:
3.1. By “appreciating” your beloved, you can tell her/him “I LOVE YOU”.
Appreciating the beautiful things he does nurtures your lover and your relationship.
*** Remember, do you want to feed the relationship or do you want to eat (consume)? You reap what you sow… Therefore, you will be nurtured in a relationship you nurture. Nutrition brings happiness after satisfaction. Eating brings hunger after consumption…
For example, you want her/him to change something about your lover. Praise what s/he does well. Offer suggestions for the other area instead of criticizing it. A criticism that does not offer suggestions for a better one is a disrespect to the other partner and consumes the relationship.
*** Stay away from criticism and insulting language. When you violate the person’s safety zone, you consume her/his love for you and s/he cannot show you his love even if s/he wanted to.
3.2. By “Encouraging” your lover, you can say “I LOVE YOU” to her/him
Making verbal compliments is a way to express words of affirmation to your lover. Your lover may be waiting for your encouraging words in areas where he or she feels insecure. Encouragement requires sensing emotions and seeing the world through your partner’s eyes.
3.3. You can say “I LOVE YOU” to your lover by saying “lovely words of love”.
Love is affectionate. So, if we have to convey love verbally, we should use affectionate words.
3.4. You can say “I LOVE YOU” to your lover by “supporting in the environment”.
Making supportive sentences about your lover’s beautiful features in front of your family and friends will honor her/him.
3.5. You can say I LOVE YOU by keeping a secret about your problems with your partner.
You may be having sexual problems with your partner. You can go to a specialist on the subject together. However, telling your private problems with your lover elsewhere will consume the trust and love between you. You should be respectful and careful in this matter.The situation is the same with your communication problems other than sexuality. Complaining to a friend or family about the lover will cause him to repeat this behavior. The problems between you are the secret of your relationship. Taking care of their privacy is the responsibility of every adult in a relationship. If you hit him with his problems, he will do the same to you and the cold war will begin. If you cannot overcome the problem here, you can consult a specialist and get support regarding communication in your relationship.
3.6. By “spending quality time” with your lover, you can say I LOVE YOU.
Chatting away from the phones and showing your lover that s/he has all your attention is one of the ways to say I Love You. That’s why, whether you’re watching a movie or doing an activity together, be careful to have a conversation by focusing on each other.
3.7. You can tell your lover I LOVE YOU by “talking about your feelings”.
People want to know their “beautiful thoughts and feelings” about them. They become more attentive in this regard and their motivation increases.
3.8. You can say I LOVE YOU by “buying gifts that he likes” to your sweetheart.
Gift choice is valuable and important. Knowing what your lover likes is important to buy her/him a gift. Otherwise, your lover may come to you with the feeling “S/He bought a gift to have received a gift, s/he didn’t buy it for me”. Find out how s/he likes gifts. Some are happy with Kinder surprise chocolate, while others like flashy jewelry. A surprise for some; while it is a holiday, for some it is the receipt of the goods they need.
3.9. By “serving” your lover, you can say I LOVE YOU
It is also important what the lover sees as service. Some people see putting water in a jug from the carboy, some ironing their shirts, some going to the grocery store, some preparing breakfast as a service and understand that they are loved. Do not forget; our mothers have always shown us their love by using the language of service. This is a I LOVE YOU language that has been in the lives of each of us since childhood. Therefore, we can make each other happy by serving each other in relationships.
3.10. By “touching” your lover, you can tell him that I LOVE YOU
Physical contact is the most important language of love transmission. It transmits love, excitement, lust, passion, longing, anger, closeness, remoteness, resentment, unhappiness. For this reason, we should be attentive when touching, we should only touch her/him by concentrating on the beautiful image of our beloved in our minds, beautiful feelings, beautiful memories. Sometimes holding hands, sometimes hugging, sometimes touching her/his shoulder makes us feel very good; say I’m there. Touching is also important for the reinforcement of trust and a sense of belonging.
The basis of a healthy relationship is an emotional relationship. Emotional relationship, on the other hand, begins with beautiful feelings, touches. It says “I love you from the heart” while long touches, loving and caressing, kissing, cause to enjoy the union..
Isolation prevents the growth of love in a marriage. Touch your lover. Let your flow of love balance your relationship.
4. The Need For Respect
Lovers, who love each other and can say “I love you” and make their partner feel that, can easily respect each other. Being respected; It is very important for the person in the individual and social areas. It is the foundation of the relationship. When respect is broken, the relationship ends because love languages do not flow.
5. The Need for Self-Realization
A person experiences her/his potential when her/his needs are met, when s/he is safe in a relationship, when s/he is loved and respected. S/he becomes happy and peaceful. S/he radiates happiness and peace. A state of balance brings a healthy life.
Finally; let’s do a study with ourselves and evaluate the situation we are in: Over the past year, have you been meeting each other’s basic needs? What, how much do you cover? (give a rating out of 10)
How do you show each other “I love you”? Where and in what actions do you look for his love? Identify these and then talk to your lover. I suggest you read and talk about Garry Chapman’s Five Love Languages with your partner.
Write your suggestions to make each other happy and give each other a big hug.